Substitute Teaching Without a Voice

Let me just say...it is damn hard to teach without my voice. The kids cannot hear you at all. Your voice kind of blends in with their low roar during the day. Geez. But, I think first grade is officially my favorite grade, on the other hand. I am going to supply you guys with three funny stories from my last week and a half of subbing. Ready?

A. While subbing 5th graders last week ( I am not a fan of 5th/6th grade by the way), I had a student named X-Zavion (not kidding). He didn't listen and ran his mouth the whole class, and also threatened to punch some kids face in and make him look like Fat Albert. (What does that even mean?) Anyway, he proceeded to tell me that he had a girlfriend whom he nicknamed "Skittle" and her flavor was strawberry. I had to look away because I was grinning so bad and trying NOT to laugh my ass off.

B. While teaching kindergarten last week (in which I had a student named D'Lyxes - not part of my story but still funny-I wondered if her and X-Zavion had the same mother) the kids WOULD not listen. Can 5-year olds listen Kristen? Their poor attention spans are like 8 seconds long. Anyway, after threatening taking away their recess, I decided to try the old "I have your parents phone numbers and I am not afraid to use them" trick. So I said, "Class, I have each one of your parent's phone numbers, and if continue not listening to me, I will call them and tell them that you are misbehaving" This little boy named Andrew gave me this sad puppy dog face and asked, "Mrs. McDonald - why would you do that?"

C. There was a certain child named Colby in my class today who took all his work to the vice-principal for the day. He didn't even come in my class until they were almost dismissed at 2:55 for the day. When he came in he was so sweet and respectful to me,and he talked about the work he completed and what he did last weekend, etc. etc. So, the rest of the class was at P.E. and I took him with me to go pick them up from the cafeteria. The whole time I am thinking, why is this kid at the vice-principal he is so gosh-darn cute (Sarah Palin uses that word: Gosh-Darn). Well he is at the front of the line and the other kids file in behind him to head back to the classroom and the girl behind him accidentally bumped into him. Girls, he turned around and I think I literally heard a demon come out of his mouth..."G...GE.....GET YOU HANDS OFF OF ME". He face turned into a perma-scowl and he was totally non-responsive. CRAZY!!!! Moral of the story...don't judge a book by its cover.

Anyways, ladies, I just wanted to share some of my experiences the past week. Hope you enjoyed.

My New Crocs

Check these out. I copied Kellianne and got a pair. Aren't they cute? And they actually look really cute with black dress pants. So hopefully I can wear them when I substitute. I wore the shoes from HELL yesterday and I have blisters all over my pinkie toe and big toe. And I also have this really deep painful bruise that starts at my knee where its barely visible and runs 3/4 the way up my leg. Weird huh? I have no idea how it happened either. Crazy what one day with fifth graders can do to a person...

My New Favorite Musician

So I stumbled on some songs written and performed by Minnie Driver and I just love her music! I have placed one of my favorite songs on my playlist at the bottom of the blog. I love her as an actress too! Did you guys ever watch that TV series called "The Riches"? She was really really good in it. Bryan and I watched the whole first season. And of course I loved when she was on Will and Grace. She was hilarious. The reason I really love her is that she is not some actress who "decides" she wants to sing and goes and makes some stupid pop album. (Lindsey Lohan) I mean did you guys hear the new songs by Scarlett Johannson? I thought they were just TERRIBLE. Not my kind of music I guess. And what about Paris Hilton?? Did you ever hear any of her music?? It is crazy what a person can do who has a lot of money. Here is a girl who's dad is a bilionaire, and she decides she wants to act, make a music video, have a reality TV show and model on the runway. Geez. I mean look at the picture to the right- those are some great acting skills if I have ever seen them. I especially love the fake blue contacts in her eyes. I wanna be just like her. On a cool note, Bryan's Aunt Debbie did do her hair and makeup when they came through Nashville filming "The Simple Life". She has a picture of her friend Derek with Paris on her fridge. Its really weird because Paris is wearing a silver dress and next to Derek it literally looks like she is glowing. Really I am not kidding. I wonder if she glows like that all of the time.

Anyway, enough about that. I am trying to figure out what I am going to do today since I literally have nothing to do. I am going to the post office to pick up our mail because Hurricane Ike blew out mailboxes over. I may finish the book I am reading (Rebel Angels) and start the third one. Who knows?...The possibilities are endless. Kellianne thinks I should sit in my recliner in a Mu-mu and eat bon-bons all days while watching soap opera re-runs. Which, by the way, is a very enticing idea.....

Unemployed

So this is the first time in about three years I have not had a job. Its a weird feeling - a mixture of uselessness and relaxation and satisfaction all at the same time. A lot of time to read and blog right? WRONG! I feel bad for sitting here reading all day jobless so I have not read in a week or so! It is terrible! I am having withdrawls!!! So yesterday I said "Screw it" and began reading again. And Bryan's exact words were "Oh God you started reading again?" Hahaha! Well I miss you girls so much already. The weekend was too short!!

Anyway, while home during the day I have been catching up on all my celebrity gossip and:

A: I officially do not like Miley Cyrus. She is dating a guy quite a bit older than her and they shut down Disneyland for her 16th birthday. Give me a friggin' break.

B: Tina Fey does the best impersonation of Sarah Palin of ANY impersonation I have ever seen.

C: Have you seen Ironman??? That is the best movie I have seen in a long time! Robert Downey, Jr. is awesome!!! I heard he was unbelievable in Tropic Thunder too.

Also, we watched "The Love Guru" yesterday and although it was definitely kind of sucky compared to Austin Powers and I think Jessica Alba is a terrible actress, Justin Timberlake was definitely the highlight of the show!!! He is hilarious and his outtakes are so funny!

Anyway, I am off to do whatever people without jobs do. Talk to you girls later!!!